Louisa on life

PGCEs, Plan Bs and Parkinson...

2005-04-10T13:31:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm, I guess it ‘s time for another update of my oh-so interesting life !
One of my best friends phoned on Friday night, which was great, it was lovely to hear a familiar voice… She’s doing her Qualified Teacher year and it’s not going so well, unfortunately ! This hasn’t put me off doing a PGCE yet though…
However, I do now have a Plan B, which will involve going to China to teach English… Withj my flight, accommodation & some meals paid for, plus an actual wage !
I am really excited about all this, and am filling in the forms at the moment…
I love the idea of exploring a new country, discovering a totally different culture & the linguist in me is thrilled at the idea of being able to learn Mandarin or Cantonese !
I’ve been making a fair amount of jewellery this week, some of it for myself, some pieces for friends… I made myself a blue necklace with big blue square beads and some matching earrings, which positively rock, even if I do say so myself !
I made a pink necklace for another of my best friends,Ulla, who is a fellow pink fan like myself, so she should like it… We never have any problems choosing presents for eachother, as if we’d like it for ourselves, chances are the other will too ! It’s great in some ways, but when we used to meet up last year, we’d often find ourselves wearing very similar outfits, or we’d pick the same thing up in a shop and fight over who got to buy it if there was only one left… Our taste in music & films is very similar too, so we often recommend things we’ve seen to eachother… Leanne, my friend who phoned me, couldn’t be more different to me ! She’s not really girlie at all, loathes pink, owns no make-up to speak of, while a fairly large percentage of my wardrobe is pink or purple, I have a huge boxful of makeup, another of hair accessories and I love experimenting with different styles etc… I’ll go shopping for the sake of it, just to see what’s in the shops, she’ll go if she needs something. Buying Christmas & Birthday presents for her is an awful drag for me, as I know everything I’m drawn to will probably be on her least wanted/despised list ! It gets frustrating sometimes, but often I’ll ask her for a specific list of things she wants & she’ll get one of them…
Spiritually, I’m doing Ok, I’ve been at my most relaxed yet about the whole business… In fact, I’ve hardly thought about it at all lately… I haven’t prayed for a month or so, which is a big change from my ‘prayer warrior’ days at Uni-I used to pray for the events & stuff that CU were putting on more out of guilt for not evangelising (which I was uncomfortable with even then) than out of desire to see people become Christians… And I sometimes used to pray that people wouldn’t get too pissed off with the CU when they went round doing door to door leaflet dropping and that the CU would stop being so in your face & offensive…
I used to believe in the power of prayer so much, but now I still see good & bad things happen in the world, whether or not I’ve prayed, so I don’t really see the point anymore really.
On the book front, I’m still reading a fascinating book about the origins of pigments used in painting ; I’m learning all about green at the moment…
I also found we have a copy of Stephen Fry’s autobiography (‘Moab is my Washpot’) here, so I read that in one night-I literally could not put it down ! I related to him in so many ways : his inability to sing in tune & the embarrassment of having to sing in front of people on your own, his few incredibly close relationships with people, his love of reading & languages and hatred of Maths & the way he looked out for people (on the train to boarding school, as a new boy, he comforts a boy who has been there a term already , I could see myself doing that)… My musical embarrassment probably wasn’t as bad as his though, as he had to sing alone when he was in a choir rehearsal for the Sunday morning service, mine was in Year 7, and only the music teacher heard me… He used to pick on a couple of people every lesson to sing the song we’d been learning as a class, and he’d obviously caught on to the fact I used to stand at the back behind a tall person with my mouth shut, as I’d been told by my parents fairly early on that I couldn’t (and still can’t) carry a tune… Anyway, my turn to be picked on came one lesson, I refused flat out, so he assumed this was just because of my acute shyness, so when everyone was filing out at the end of the lesson he asked me to stay behind and sing the piece for him. All I can remember is him playing the piano for a couple of seconds, me opening my mouth, the piano coming to a crashing halt mid-note and his hand going up to stop me… The look on his face said it all really & I left the classroom in tears… I’m still haunted and emotionally scarred by that moment, it really destroyed my confidence & made me hate music for quite a while, which is pretty sad…
As a Christian, I always hated having musical worship as one of the most important parts of the service, as it wasn’t something I enjoyed as I wasn’t good at it, especially a lot of the old hymns which have horribly high female parts with notes that I cannot hold for two reasons, one being unable to actually make the right noise & the second being having asthma !
The only time I’ll sing is when I’m home alone… I love pretending I can !
I’d love to take lessons & come out sounding like Mariah Carey or Celine Dion, but I’m so scared the teacher would tell me I haven’t got a hope in hell of even ever being able to hold a tune….
I really shouldn’t dwell on such things, I should focus on my talents & all the great things I have in my life, like un-divorced parents, good friends, enough food & clean water, a warm bed & a cosy home full of great people & fantastic books & technology, the fact I have a degree, that I’m creative and generous too…
I can’t believe I’m still waiting to hear from flipping Swansea regarding that PGCE place ! Even the website where I can check my application says I still need to go for the interview ! Hopefully I’ll hear something soon, or else I may just have to throw something !
The owner of the shop went away to Holland for a week, so I've only just started working there again... She has bought a heck of a lot more new stock, so I've been helping her price that, I've been lugging boxes around for her, I've been displaying stuff & seeing loads of stuff I'd like to buy for friends, and I moved logs for her on Friday, which involved walking through her disgustingly muddy garden when it was drizzling-bleugh! My shoes & socks got drenched, which was lovely!
On thursday, at 7 pm, I got a call from my regular babysitting clients, who wanted me in an hour... When i was talking to the woman, she asked if I could be there at 8, and I said I could, without realising what time it was! Luckily I had the water on for my pasta, so while that was coming to the boil, I dashed upstairs to throw on some makeup (I'd been swimming so wasn't wearing any & I don't look good without it on, in my opinion), put a DVD and my chocolate & sweets in my bag before dashing down, throwing my ham & cheese-filled pasta parcels into the water & cooking and then eating them with spicy pesto sauce (I mixed some salsa dip stuff into it for a bit of a kick) , brushed my teeth & walked the 15 minute walk to the house.
I spent most of the evening helping the eldest with her two pieces of English homework. The first piece was a comprehension text, all about sea turtles & how they are dying. We had to discuss ways we'd stop their eggs & habitat being destroyed, which was interesting. I also feel like I'm no longer giving her the ideas, she's coming up with stuff herself, and I'll just help her express her thoughts or help her phrase things in English, which I'm more than happy to do. I'm also quite good at explaining words she doesn't understand, which is a satisfying feeling...
The second task we had to do really challenged my creativity, as we had to come up with alliterative newspaper headlines for every letter of the alphabet! She had a sheet of examples which used a lot of the words we wanted to use, which was a big bummer! We came up with some very silly ones towards the end and had a good giggle over them! Our best effort was for U, which was: 'United Unicorns Use Umbrellas', and our mental image of Unicorns either prancing around with umbrellas à la Gene Kelly or all huddling under one pitifully small umbrella made us laugh a heck of a lot! We also had potatoes painting pink pyjamas in Paris and a whole menagerie of animals, as she's mad about most of them!
I managed to watch a bit of Eternal Sunshine & ate some chocolate before the parents returned, so that was good!
I watched Parkinson last night, it was great to see Meera Syal being interviewed, as she's a great actress & writer and a pretty amazing woman! Olivia Newton-John was on too, and I cannot believe she is 60! I also had no clue she'd been divorced & had had to battle with breast cancer...
Lauren Bacall was on too, she's incredibly witty & sharp, and she's aged very naturally, which I respect her for... I hope I'm still as full of life as she is when I hit 80!
More news as and when it comes, I promise.

She's back!

2005-04-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

Well, so much for my promise of blogging regularly, it looks like that’s never going to happen !
This past week I have had a cold, which is pretty annoying, I’ve helped out at the shop a bit, been swimming, read and wait for it… Been to church !
The service was at 11 am today, so I didn’t have to get up that early… 8.30 is still an achievement for me though !
The church wasn’t very busy, but I still saw familiar faces there, which was nice. I haven’t been since I left for Uni, yet people still remembered me & wanted to know all about what I’d been up to.
We sang ‘Be Thou My vision’ which is one of my favourite old hymns, it’s one I’ve grown up with and like a lot… The vicar also changed shortly after my first year at Uni ended, and I haven’t been back since the goodbye party for the old vicar & his wife & son (who I went to school with for a while)… The new vicar is very good, very soft-spoken but he gave a well constructed sermon on how doubts & fears can keep us prisoner (like it says the disciples in John 20 were when Jesus had died) and how Jesus comes, meets us where we are & makes us whole. I don’t agree with what he was saying, but could see where he was coming from. And it hasn’t gone all fundie either, hurrah ! The only mention of Hell was in one of the prayers in the liturgy, about Jesus rising over it & death, so that was OK.
I found the liturgy a bit weird, as I haven’t said it for years (we never used it at Uni church) but it was also comforting, as it’s a part of my history, a reminder of childhood and the way I’ve been brought up. It’s funny how I could just say the words without really thinking about them, how it’s all so automatic for me…
I went up for Communion, even though I felt slightly hypocritical doing so, but then I reasoned with myself that I feel I’m right with God, and I find the ritual & images of Communion very beautiful & inspiring…
I recently had a really good meditation session : I put on my Enya CD after decluttering/tidying my room so I wouldn’t get distracted, I sat on the floor with my legs crossed & focused on getting my breathing deep & slow to get me relaxed, then I thought about my life, my relationships, my past & my future. The music really helped soothe my mind & my soul, I was able to let go of some negative emotions and distance myself from relationships I’ve been clinging to in a desperate attempt to fix them, which hasn’t been working & isn’t worth the time or the effort involved !
I also forgave myself for being a bad daughter & forgave the bullies who made my life miserable during my teen years… It was never physical bullying (apart from a couple of ‘accidents’ at primary school where I was pushed over from behind, which meant I had no clue who did it), it was mostly my books going missing, people telling me the wrong homework or that there wasn’t any (at French school) and then at the school I went to to do GCSEs and A-Levels, it was just girlie bitching, which I learnt to live with & ignore.
I’m slowly realising that I’m an OK person, that I’m valuable & worth knowing…
I’ve never been in the popular crowd, but, with hindsight, I can see that I wouldn’t have wanted to be there anyway ! I’ve always preferred having really deep friendships with two or three people than have a shallow relationship with a whole crowd of people. I’ve always been independant, someone who needs her own space away from people at regular intervals, a shy, sensitive person who would rather listen & watch than stand in the spotlight. At school, these all seemed to be negative traits, as it meant I’d rather sit on my own in the classroom with a good book rather than go out to play at break (being clumsy & asthmatic didn’t help matters much, as it meant I was no good at skipping games or running around)… I remember I used to people watch back then, I’d make up stories & poems in my head, wishing I had smuggled out a pen and some paper to scribble them down on and wishing the playground wasn’t quite so noisy & full of people.
I’ve also been rediscovering my arty side over the last few years, especially so since I came home… Getting a D for my art GCSE really knoocked my confidence a lot and I barely drew or did anything creative at all until I started at Uni. Someone on Talkback has described me as a person who does amazing drawings, which is a real confidence booster-thanks Rachie !
It’s nice to know that my hand-made cards are appreciated by someone other than their maker !
I’ve also been writing quite a few poems at the moment, three to be exact, but they are all in various stages of completion. One of them is still in brainstorming format, so I have a page of phrases I want to use, it has a theme but it’s not coming together… Another was written shortly after my interview in Swansea, but I’m not sure I like it, and my final one is called Mc Faith, and I just can’t end it ! There’s so much I want to pack into it, yet I want to keep it short ! Writing brings me such release, I find, it’s really helped me get over the various hurdles in my life…
I’ve also made myself several new necklaces and some earrings too… I was wearing my red necklace & long dangly earring set the other day & my Mum asked me where I’d bought them ! She was rather surprised when I told her they are handmade-she said I could make them to sell, that’s how good she thinks they are !
Another very arty (and fellow spiritual seeker type) friend of mine from Talkback sent me a parcel this week, which contained a beautiful candle & the most amazing tape… She sings on it herself & plays the guitar too… It has a mix of well-known pop songs on it and some of her own creations, which are amazing ! Mary sounds really unique, she’s got a voice that is really pure & soft like Eva Cassidy’s, yet it’s got a depth and an edge to it, in a very Alanis Morrissette type of way, and there’s some Katie Melua in there too, as well as something else, that we’ll call amazing raw talent !
The weather here has been pretty nice recently, so I went for a walk yesterday & today sat outside in the garden reading my book, which is all about the pigments used to make certain paint colours… It’s absolutely fascinating, as it talks about history, how people lived at the time, different artists and their techniques, the effects of some of the products used and how they’ve changed over time and therefore totally changed some paintings forever !
I’m on yellow at the moment, which is about a myth that yellow paint in India was caused by mixing some powdered stone with cow urine, after feeding the cows mango leaves, which allegedly made their pee turn bright yellow… I’ve also learnt about Hindu myths/stories, which I find really interesting & beautiful.
So it’s a fantastic book that I am trying to savour…
I also have Frida Kahlo’s biography out fromthe library, she was a pretty quirky Mexican artist who was alive until fairly recently, I think… I really wanted to go and see the film of her life, which had Selma Hayek playing her… I’m intrigued by her and would love to know more about her & hopefully discover some of her work too.
On the babysitting front, work has been scant, which is not good !
I’m a bit worried that my regular clients have found out I let the 10 year-old watch Friends, as I don’t think they’d approve ! And I did try to get her not to watch it, I think it was more a case of her wanting to spend one-on-one time with me which doesn’t involve doing her homework… I’m hoping that all the sexual innuendoes have just gone right over her sweet and innocent little head and that she’ll realise it’s not appropriate for her age yet.
Hopefully parents are just too busy to go out and they’ll give me a call in the next few days !
I’ve also watched the new Dr Who, which I’m just not sure about really… The script seems a little cliched, I don’t really believe in the characters or even care for them that much, but last week’s episode was the first one I’d seen, so I may give it a second chance… My Dad loves it though, but he’s been watching Dr Who since it started all those years ago ! Zoe Wanamaker was a fantastic villainness though, even if I did sit through the episode wondering who exactly was voicing ‘the last human being’ which was basically a flattened out piece of skin with eyes, nostrils & a mouth !
There were also tree people, the queen of which was called Jabe and she was really beautiful… Her ‘skin’ was dark & looked like bark and it had flowers growing in the top, where her hair should have been. She was dressed in a gorgeous regal-looking dress, all satin, velvet & brocade & she was v brave too…
Desperate Housewives is still the show I live for though, the last episode was really good, the women all showed just how feisty they are and there were some fantastic lines in it ! My favourite is still Lynette, but Susan comes a very close second !
I read an interview with Felicity Huffman who plays Lynette & she said hardly anyone recognises her out on the street, as she’s usually cranky, messy & covered in jam , which sounds just like her on-screen character ! Again, apologies for this mega entry… I’m going to try to keep to my weekly updates, hopefully there’ll be shorter ones if I have any real news, like any feedback from Swansea, for example !

Update Alert!

2005-03-27T07:59:00.000-08:00

Well, once again I must apologise for my lack of blogging !
I have been rather busy recently though…
I’ve been helping at the shop down the next road from me most afternoons, which has been great, and I also spent three days in the UK, as I had an interview at Swansea for a Secondary PGCE course in French & possibly Spanish, which will start in September.
I got up at 6 am on Tuesday morning, got a lift to the station from my Mum, took the train to the airport, which was pretty slow, as once I’d made my connection, I had to wait about 20 minutes to half an hour, as only one in every 5 trains goes to the airport from there !
I got on my flight which wasn’t cancelled or delayed for once, hurrah & arrived in London in good time.
I decided to go to Victoria coach station to see if I could get a coach down & to book my coach back… I arrived at 2.15 and there was a coach leaving at three, which was great news for me ! However, the website is a bit wrong, as there is no 5 pm coach from Swansea to London, that one goes from Cardiff ! So I booked the 12.30 one & started praying that my interview the next day wouldn’t go on that long, as it was at 10 am, and I had no idea how far from the coach station I’d be.
I arrived in Swansea at 8 pm, absolutely exhausted, quite scared as I had no clue where I was going, and a bit miffed as I wouldn’t be able to explore at all the next day !
A great guy was at the Reception building when I arrived at the Townhill campus, he gave me his swipe card, gave me directions to get to a take-away (I got pizza) and was just generally amazingly nice & helpful !
The room I was in was quite comfortable, and I was able to have a bath too, which I really needed !
Unfortunately, I left my book on the coach, which is annoying ! I was really getting into it too… It’s called The House of the Spirits, by Isabel Allende, who is Chilean, I think (well, from South America anyway… Her uncle was a fairly famous dictator/general or something there) and therefore writes in Spanish. I bought the book in English ages ago, after A-Levels or in 1st or 2nd year at Uni, and just hadn’t got around to reading it yet… However, I will now buy it in Spanish off Amazon, and thus get to finish reading it & improve/keep my Spanish going !
I got up bright and early on Wednesday morning, and set off at 9 am for my interview, so had to sit around for a while in the PGCE building… I talked to a woman who had an interview for a History PGCE, she was cool, very friendly and encouraging and she reassured me in a motherly kind of way, which I think I needed ! It’s funny how I’m always drawn to people who are a lot older or a lot younger than me, but I’ve always been like that !
I met the other two girls who were there for the French PGCE, they were both lovely too… One of them wasn’t exactly very suitably dressed though, as she was wearing a short (quite far above the knee) and knee-high boots. Did I mention she had long blonde hair & blue eyes ? Let’s just say the overall look made her look a bit vacuous !
The other girl, Helen, was wearing a black suit & a shirt with a small pattern on, which looked great, but she looked a little uncomfortable in it…
I was wearing a black skirt with pink flowers on it, a top that matched the flowers with a black strappy top underneath, as it’s a v neck & didn’t want to be displaying too much skin, black court shoes, pink studs & a home-made pink necklace… I was comfortable and I think I looked smart yet quirky ! It’s exactly what I’d wear if I were teaching…
First we all went in together and were given a brief talk aboutthe course & an opportunity to ask questions, which I did, but I was the only one to do so… We were interviewed alphabetically, so I went first, which I wanted to do and would have offered to even if I hadn’t had a taxi to catch at 11.45.
First, I had to talk in French about why I got interested in languages, I could tell the guy was impressed with my spoken French… He then asked me questions about teaching, what I’d do in certain scenarios, how I’d teach grammar & some other slightly easier questions, but they were related to my journey, not to the PGCE !
I think it went OK and am now waiting for an answer… I hope it ‘s a yes !
I got to the coach station in plenty of time, so that was good.
The journey went really smoothly and due to my lack of book, I did a fair amount of poetic scribbling… I wrote a poem about the interview, scribbled some more ideas down for a poem on relationships which I’m comparing to cooking food and thought deep spiritual thoughts…
I got to my grandmother’s sheltered accommodation at 6 pm, after having got a bit lost on the Underground… It’s really confusing, they no longer announce where the train is going to when it comes to the station, it ‘s on a display board with the time left until it comes… But sometimes there are no times next to the train destination, so I assumed it would be the next one to arrive… Obviously not !
My Nana fed me quiche & Caesar salad, which was yummy, then I had a piece of chocolate cake later on. She’d been given it and some flowers as a thank you for looking after her friend’s cats…
She started telling me all these stories about her life & how ill she’d been when she was pregnant with my dad… I got all misty-eyed a couple of times, when she was telling me about Grandpa (who died 5 or 6 years ago), how they met & when she whowed me a picture of them on their wedding day…
My Nana watched The Bill at 8 pm, then I watched bits of The Apprentice (I got ready for bed and flicked through magazines while it was on) before Desperate Housewives came on.
The Apprentice was great, as the two teams were working on advertising a 10 CD changer Hi-Fi… There were only three women left at this point, two in one team (Rachel, who is really cool & Saira, who is a moany, whingy bitch), and Miriam in the other (much better) team… Miriam was project manager for the 1st time, and she did a really good job. Paul led the other team & also did a pretty good job, but he & Saira do not see eye to eye and had a rather large falling out in the boardroom, whoops ! Saira really gets my back up as she seems really manipulative, quite controlling & bossy… It was a classic scream at the TV moment when Rachel got fired instead of her ! Maybe I like Rachel as she’s been quite laid back, she seems to play peacemaker a lot, and is also a bit bigger than the aveage woman, which is something I can relate to… I do think she was a bit too nice to be in the business industry though !
I ‘m now rooting for Miriam, though I think one of the guys will win… There’s a black guy called Tim who is really amazing, he’s been Team Leader a couple of times, and has never fallen out with anyone, is very diplomatic, seems very approachable and a genuinely nice guy ! But Miriam seems to have those qualities too, and I would love for a woman to win, as almost all the reality TV shows I’ve seen have all had male winners !
Desperate Housewives was very good, as usual, Lynette is still the world’s best mum in my opinion, Bree’s behaviour is confusing me, as is Mike’s, Susan is still a clumsy, lovable ditz, Edie’s still a first class bitch, Gabrielle was really great in this episode, she really shone & made me warm to her… Not that I didn’t like her before, but it’s made me like her more than I already did ! Roll on next week , I can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen… The trailers were great, there’s definitely going to be some action !
On Thursday, I met up in London with my Uni friend, Ulla, for a day of incessant chatter & some hardcore shopping… It was wonderful to see her again, we still get along brilliantly, we reminisced, talked about missing Bangor, discussed our love lives, chatted about religion & faith and laughed at stupid things together… Just like old times ! I purchased some major bargains : Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind DVD for £8.99 and Katie Melua’s CD for £6.99 !
I also got some Aussie shampoo, some makeup (Collection 2000 is amazing quality for the price) and various hair accessories and earrings !
I took Ulla back to my Nana’s, where she made me soup & toast and just toast for Ulla, before she headed off home & I went airportwards. I arrived with plenty of time to spare, so checked in and sat in the business lounge, as I had a business class ticket, which was the only thing available, as travelling on Easter weekend is busy ! So when I heard ‘flight to Paris Charles de Gaulle’ announced, I went along, only to realise once I’d been let through boarding that it was the wrong flight (there were two flights going to CDG, leaving at about the same time)… I waited until the women in charge of boarding had finished getting customers onto the flight before asking them where I was supposed to be, so while I was waiting, I got to play with a little boy of 1 and a half, called Carlo ! I helped him climb up onto the seats, chased after him to stop him putting his fingers into electrical outlets and playing with the boarding equipment, played peekaboo with him and got some cuddles ! His parents are very trusting though, as I don’t know if I’d trust a stranger with my kids if I was at an airport ! I must seem like a reliable & honest person then, which is good !
I’m feeling broody at the moment, but it’s totally under control, which it usually isn’t !
I’ve been thinking about kids’ names a lot lately, I like Olivia Jade for a girl and Joshua David for a boy, but I can’t find a name that goes with Benjamin, apart from Giles, and I don’t want one of my sons to be named after two guys I’ve liked ! I also like the names Sarah & Leah for a girl, but maybe not together, as it would sound a bit like Sara Lee, the frozen gateau company ! I also like Miriam, Hermione, Rachel, Gemma and Catrin/Caitlyn for a girl and Jacob, Joseph or David for a boy… Also, I don’t know what my new surname will be when I get married, so that’s going to come into it too ! Oh, and my husband may not like any of those names either, that may also be a factor !
Well, this is the 1st Easter I’ve deliberately not been to church… It feels weird, but in a really good way… I’ve started referring to myself as ‘a very spiritual’ person, which is taking a bit of getting used to, but I’m getting there !
I’ve been a lot more chilled out, patient and happier since I stopped being a Christian… I’m very much enjoying praying when I feel like it , meditating from time to time & digging out amazing nuggets of wisdom from other faiths… Organised religion just doesn’t do anything for me though, I’m much happier doing my own thing, going solo in my spiritual journey…
If I get into Swansea and they have a Quaker centre or a Universalist church I’ll check them out, as I think I could be happy there… But if there’s not, I’ll be happy anyway !
I’ve been working in the shop quite a bit recently, it’s been fun ! Yesterday I was left there on my own & dealt with a customer and her two kids all by myself ! I filled out the receipt perfectly, hurrah !
The shop owner’s friend came into the shop yesterday, she’s reading a book (in Dutch though, so I can’t borrow it), called « Life & Teachings of the Masters of The Far East » which the owner thought I might like ! She’s right, so I have the title written down & will order it off Amazon at some point next month, when I have money !That’s all folks !

The F word... Faith, Pool guys, Desperate Housewives and odd 4 year olds!

2005-03-10T15:07:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,
Once again, I apologise for not having updated for a while… Especially seeing as I have actual news !
I heard from Swansea and have an interview on the 23rd of March !!!!! I’m so excited, something is actually going right for me, for once !
I also have had a breakthrough on the cute pool guy front !
He is called Pascal, and I didn’t have to ask him ! Do you want to know how I found out ? It’s kind of embarrassing… There’s an older guy who sometimes works on the changing rooms with Pascal, who has twigged that there are sparks flying between us… Today I came down to collect my clothes, Pascal smiled at me, I smiled back, we said hi to eachother, and the older guy asks me how come I haven’t said hello to him, is that just Pascal’s privilege ?
He also said to me as he was leaving that wasn’t Pascal cute… I said ‘Yeah, kinda’ and most certainly went an interesting shade of red ! But never mind, because I now know his name, hurrah !!!! The next step is to say hi to him using his name & have him ask me mine… If he’s interested, he should do that , well that’s my theory !
I spoke to my best friend the other night, as I needed advice on the PGCE interview I’m going to on the 23rd… It was so good to chat to her & hear her voice after so long !
We even mentioned the F word… Faith, in this case ! She got my letter that I’d written to her, gently explaining that I no longer believed Christianity was right for me, and she was quiet for a bit… I think she was fairly shocked and a little bit hurt too, but she handled it well, ie I didn’t get a sermon from her ! She asked me some questions about the CU, how it had changed etc from our first year, so I told her how judgemental and fundified it had got, how you had to believe in predestination, 6 day creation & various other rubbish… She’s probably praying for the fate of my soul but was too polite to say so ! Hopefully with time she’ll accept my beliefs & we’ll be able to help eachother grow spiritually…
She also said Giles treated her like dirt in her final year, so it’s not just me he’s treated badly ! His behaviour has confirmed that he has no manners, no social graces or tact !
A few weeks back, I was so tempted to e-mail him, apologising for how things went in our final year… Then I thought why on earth should I do that ??? I apologised, and sure, I could probably have handled things differently and better, but the whole time, I was trying to be respectful of his feelings, but I was also sad & hurt by his actions and was trying to make amends… He decided he could play games with me & take advantage of my emotional state, the heartless leech ! There’s only so much effort you can put into a broken friendship & he’s had more than his fair share of it… I sincerely hope he’s happy in love, life & work and I wish him well. I hope that one day he’ll realise he didn’t treat me properly and that he’ll be truly sorry for what he said & did to me. If he does, he’s welcome to be my friend again, but it’ll be on my terms, not his, and he’ll accept this… Watch this space for the announcement of flying pigs over Paris !
Recently, I wrote a poem with an online friend… We’re both struggling with no longer being Christians, so we decided to write a poem about it together-we chatted on MSN for an hour or so, chucking ideas & phrases around, and then I copied the conversation into Word and played around with it for a few more hours… The result was a brilliant but epic poem, which talked about doubts & faith and made use of a lot of kid imagery that came pouring out of my brain ! We’re going to do that again sometime, as it was great fun !
I’ve become a poetry lover almost overnight… I discovered Carol Ann Duffy recently, after a poem of hers was read on Radio 4. It’s about a giggle that starts in a classroom & spreads through the school… It’s really vivid, lots of amazing images and alliterations as well as being funny… This inspired me to check out her other poems, which I fell in love with ! Valentine (or is it The Onion ???) is one of my favourites, as it’s wistful and cynical about love, yet there’s a tiny glimmer of hope in it…
Last week, I discovered Emily Dickinson’s poetry, thanks to Countdown… Yes, I’m a geek, it’s OK, I’m learning to embrace my geekiness !
The guy in the dictionary corner read a really lovely one of hers about nightfall, with some very stunning pictures in it… I found a site with all her poems on it, and I can relate to a lot of them… She was a recluse, which is something I can be a bit of, and that comes through in her poetry. I get the impression she was really hurt by people she thought she was close to, and I have so been there ! I also admire her, as she was able to keep hold of her faith even though she went through tough times… Her poems on faith will be featuring in my Prayer Diary at some point !
It’s funny that I still want to keep up the facade of being a Christian, as my Prayer Diary only has Christian quotes or Bible verses in it… Well, I did fake being a Christian for a good few months before leaving Uni, so I guess a part of me still feels the need to do that !
My Spiritual Scrapbook reveals so much more of the real me : it’s got pictures in it, collages, inspiring quotes from everyone & everywhere and anyone who read it would hopefully see my wacky & creative side straight away !
I haven’t actually prayed for a while now, maybe I really need a break from it, as it holds too many memories of being a Christian…
Mantras seem to be my thing at the moment, I find them very encouraging & helpful.
They are usually along the lines of ‘I am above all this, I shall not let my anger be roused by what that person is saying about faith etc…’ or ‘I am a good person who is worth knowing, if he/she can’t acknowledge that, then it’s his/her loss’ or just an affirming statement such as ‘I am a creative person’. It’s also very freeing to no longer be plagued by guilt and to not have to wait around to feel forgiven by God if I’ve stuffed up something chronic… I forgive myself & I move on !
I really had to look deep into myself to be able to forgive what some bigots said to Kevin Wells, the father of Holly who was murdered with her friend Jessica Chapman in Soham in 2002… He got a lot of hate mail from said bigots, who basically said the girls died because they’d been playing on the Sabbath !!!! Could you be a bit more judgemental please ?
The guy also said he went to see a medium who proved really helpful, she gave him & his wife some really important clues as to what had happened to the girls… I dread to think what the Christians said about that !
I’ve also started spending time with a little girl in the next road. Her mum runs a shop that has just opened, and she wants Tessa, her 4 year old to be out of her hair & improve her English, so I started my trial on Tuesday… I came in the morning and Tessa was quiet & a little bit grumpy, so we watched a video together, but when I came back that afternoon, we had a great time ! She ‘read’ to me in Dutch and I picked up a few words, we watched a video & I read to her in French… She also said I am beautiful, well, that my eye makeup was !
Today was a bit more difficult, as she was tired, but she still likes me, even if she was not being terribly nice to me… She didn’t want me to leave and her mum said she was saying how beautiful I am the other night… We’re taking it slowly and hopefully it’ll take off !
It’ll be nice if I actually start getting paid for doing it, though I’d happily do it for free !
I’m hoping my regular customers will ask for me again soon, as I have missed the 4 kids more than I thought possible ! I even miss the 6 year old boy who doesn’t like me !!!
Maybe I’ll get a call this weekend…
Desperate Housewives is the show I live for at the moment… It’s getting really exciting, as Mike & Susan are finally together, Bree is leaving her cheating husband, Gabrielle and Carlos aren’t going to stay together and Lynette is getting a break from her mad ADHD kids !
Lynette is the one I feel closest to, I see myself being a lot like her when I’m a mum : frazzled and stressed but with a great big heart & loads of love to give her kids… When my hypothetical kids become teenagers, I want to be like Susan & Julie are : really close, affectionate teasing and total honesty with eachother… But I’m guessing that’s because they only have eachother now, the divorce brought them together !
I still don’t know what Mike’s up to and so want to know !
I’m waiting for Wednesday impatiently !Bye for now, L xxx

Silence, spirituality & stuff...

2005-02-27T04:51:00.000-08:00

Well, apologies for not updating more regularly-I have been meaning to, honest !
However, I always mean to update in the evenings, and over the last week or so, most of my evenings have been spent babysitting ! I babysat for my regular customers on the Friday (they hadn’t called me on the Wednesday, so I’d been able to go to see a play instead) and the kids were great, in a really good mood and didn’t wind eachother up for once !
On Wednesday this week, I came over and helped the eldest with her project which is on shops vs supermarkets and so involved looking at stuff like supermarket vs small local shop layout, the different prices of food & other products and the range of goods sold… Not the most interesting of projects, in all honesty, but it was good to spend some time with her & get to know her a bit better… She also wanted to play a game with me afterwards, with her brother and sister, which was nice. Their mum had asked me to babysit for them that evening, but my mother had got a call asking me to babysit for someone else the previous evening, when I’d been out babysitting for another family, so I’d had to say no and the eldest seemed a bit upset I wasn’t coming to theirs, which was flattering, as it means I’m liked ! Hurrah !
Last night , I got a call to babysit for my sister’s friend’s little sister (an adopted girl called Tamara, from Russia, aged 9) and I said I’d do it. My sister Mary went out with her friend’s family for dinner & then to see ‘Sideways’, which is apparently quite good…
Tamara and I got on pretty well, I think, which is good… We played a word game to help her improve her English, talking and getting to know eachother as we did. Then we played a game which involved making monsters out of Play-Do, drawing cards that told you what the monster looked like ! Incredibly silly and messy but relaxing, as I got to release my Inner Child !
Once she’d changedd for bed I read to her and then went downstairs to raid the fridge & watch DVDs : I watched ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ again, as I knew I’d missed things the first time-I still find it confusing, I’m not quite sure what happened when, but I did have a few ‘aha !’ moments when I noticed stuff I hadn’t seen the first time or when little details (like the missing page from Joel’s notebook which he didn’t remember ripping out)… Then I watched Monty Python & The Holy Grail, which I am ashamed to say, I had never seen before… It’s one of those films that I keep meaning to see but no-one seems to have as it’s a classic and therefore everyone has seen it, according to them !
I was hooked from the opening credits, and I laughed so much at some parts, like the French knight, the witch & the duck scene and the Knights who say ‘Ni’ ! It’s absolutely right down my street humour-wise, I love how it boldly takes the piss out of everything & anything ! A couple of years ago I don’t think I would have liked it one bit, especially not the bit where the knights talk to God-I know a lot of people who’d be pretty upset at the idea of not being suitably in awe of God, but I found it brilliantly funny, so there !
Another funny thing I heard was on a TV drama… A guy was preaching, I think, he said ‘I came forth and received the Word’ and the sarky character pipes up from the back with ‘Oi, that’s not fair, I came fifth and all I got was a fruitcake’ ! This made me giggle for most of the day, as did a joke I was told in Home Group (church Bible study group) once, which goes as follows :
Q : What’s brown and sticky ?
A : A stick…
Very silly, I know, but that one had me giggling through the study, oops !
Yesterday I went shopping in Paris, but didn’t buy much, just a Tigger cuddly toy for Giles’ cousin’s birthday, whenever that is… Toby will be two, such a big boy !
I also bought myself lots of beads to make necklaces with, and made two last night, though one is a bit too long, so I’ll have to do it again, I think !
I also need to get some more clasps, as I only have one left ! I may make some as presents for my friends, as I think they’d make lovely gifts…
Talking of friends, I’m not actually sure I have any anymore, which is pretty sad !
I got a text message from my best friend the other week, and she didn’t even know I’d applied to do a PGCE, so I have a feeling communication between us hasn’t been very regular… I’m sure I told her though !
My sister took my phone to London with her, where she spent a few days with her friends, so when I got it back on Thursday night, I was hoping for at least one message (Giles’ mum celebrated her birthday on Tuesday) but had the grand total of none, which did wonders for my self esteem ! I’m so sick of investing in relationships and then getting dropped like a dirty sock with a hole in… Where exactly am I going wrong ?
At least I have my amazing online friends and two spiritual communities I can visit (Talkback and The Ship Of Fools) where I can talk about spiritual stuff, get advice and help if I need it & just be myself !
One great thing about going swimming regularly is that you often see the same people… There is a very cute changing room attendant who always smiles at me, which makes my day ! I’m amazed a guy can take an interest in me when I have no make-up on, I’m wearing a swimming costume ( a very unflattering item to wear if you are me) or a tracksuit and have dirty or soaking wet hair depending whether I’m coming in or out…
I think one of the older attendants has noticed that there are sparks flying, cause once when the cute guy smiled at me, he told him to stop flirting with the clients ! Cue me blushing, giggling & finding the tiles on the floor very interesting all of a sudden !
I don’t even know this guy’s name, that’s how crap I am with guys !
I just can’t bear the thought of finding out it’s all been in my mind and that he’s taken and/or gay ! Knowing my luck, he will be ! I also can’t stand the thought of having my heart broken then having to go through the painful process of seeing him twice a week !
I don’t want to be a cynic anymore, yet I don’t want to be a foolish, naive romantic either… I’m sure there’s a happy medium that can be reached, I just haven’t got there yet !
I’m really glad I’ve got this year to reflect on my spirituality, my life and myself, as it’s really helped me like myself and develop as a person… I’ve come to accept that my faith does not define me, though it is an important part of me, that I don’t need a community of like-minded people around me for my faith to grow, that I’m unique and if people can’t accept me the way I am, then that’s their loss !
Something an online friend who has really helped me in matters of faith said in her blog recently really helped me think about the importance of silence… She goes to Quaker meetings and described what goes on in them, and it got me started on how much I value silence, my own alone time and how reflecting on the words of a song or a poem is much more helpful to me than blaring it out as musical worship… Even when I was a Christian, I used to sit during worship and shut my eyes and focus on the words instead of the tune… Maybe it’s because I’m musically challenged but have been brought up by two excellent spellers who have a love of reading, writing and word games & puzzles… My mum did an English Lit degree and teaches English as a foreign language & has always been a bit of a grammar freak, my dad is currently writing a novel and loves making (bad) puns and they both love doing the Daily Telegraph cryptic crossword, so it’s to be expected that I love language & words really… I’ve also always been quiet/shy/reserved (delete as appropriate), by no means a deep thinker, but I’m very sensitive to what people say, words touch me both mentally (oooh, that sounds funny, I wonder what it means ?) and spiritually ! In fact, the rare times God has actually spoken to me (or I thought He had, not sure if I believe God speaks to people really), it’s been through books (not necessarily Christian ones either), poems or quotes rather than the Bible…
I’d much rather sit on a beach on Iona, looking out to sea and pondering the meaning of life & taking in the beauty of the scenery than be stuck inside a church building with some guy at the front getting more & more vocal to make a point…
Shouting scares people away, let people have their silence, don’t fill it up with empty words, hollow promises and muck-filled platitudes !
All this has inspired me to write a poem about spirituality & silence… It’s been brewing in my brain for a few weeks now, so it should be ready soon !
Well, surprisingly, this is another very long entry, so I’m hoping you’ve made it all the way down… If not, please wake up !
A la prochaine, hasta la vista, ciao…

2005-02-20T04:52:00.000-08:00

As promised, here’s an update on the last week or so of my life…
I went swimming on Monday & Thursday, which was really good, I’m enjoying it and it means I’m not at home sitting around !
On Wednesday I didn’t get a call asking for a babysitter from my regular customers, which came as a surprise, but it meant I was able to see a production of ‘The Laramie Project’ at my sister’s school. She had a few friends in it, one of them who lives down our road who is a very talented actress-she has been in a film where she played alongside Demi moore, as her daughter !
The play is set in a town called Laramie, in Wyoming (in the US of A) and a gay student gets murdered there. The play is a series of interviews with people who were involved in the trial and knew the victim and are carried out by a theatre company who want the facts so they can write a play about the events that lead up to the murder.
The cast totalled about 15, so they all played at least three different parts, which was tough and quite confusing at times !
I got my babysitting job on Friday instead, so that was good. The little boy (aged 6) was obviously in some kind of trouble with his mum or very upset about something as he came out of his room to say goodbye to his mum and had red-rimmed eyes and really didn’t look very happy … His mum came to say goodnight to him & I heard her having words with him.
He then went straight to bed and I didn’t hear anything from him all night !
I played a game with the eldest two (both girls) and then helped the eldest with her English project, which she is doing on small, local shops versus big supermarkets. I helped her rephrase her introduction and we looked at what exactly she’s got to do. Since the kids are on their half-term holiday for two weeks, I offered to come and spend a day or an afternoon working on her project with her at some point next week, before she goes skiing !
Her mum also asked if I was free this week, so I may be needed again !
The only problem with having a regular babysitting job on Wednesday nights is that my mum has to tape Desperate Housewives for me … It is my favourite show at the moment, it’s fantastically funny and it really challenges the stereotypes of American mums :
There’s Susan, a slightly dippy divorcée who has a teenage daughter and the most humungous crush on Mike, the local plumber (who is up to something), Bree is a Stepford Wife whose marriage is actually on the rocks, Gabrielle is married to a rich man but is having an affair with her gardener (who is rather nice !) and then there’s Lynette, my all-time favourite, who is an ex-career woman who gave it all up to have kids. She has 4 boys, including a baby and two hyperactive 6 year-old twins ! She’s usually frazzled and worried about something or other, yet comes out with the funniest lines ! A couple of episodes, she’s talking to a mum when they’re working on the school play costumes, Lynette asks her how she has so much energy, the other mum says she takes her sons’ ADHD medication and it gives her a boost. She asks Lynette if she’d like some, and Lynette answers, completely deadpan with
‘Nah, I’m good thanks. I smoked some crack earlier’ !!!
The story is told from beyond the grave by Mary Alice, the Desperate Housewives’ neighbour who may or may not have committed suicide. The women are trying to unravel the mystery surrounding her daeath whilst trying to keep their lives in order, so it’s also pretty gripping stuff !
Last Sunday I had a brilliant day… I was asked if I’d like to help at a kids’ baking day a few weeks before, by a woman who runs a great shop in the next road along from mine. I said I’d love to and that was that !
So I turned up at 10 last Sunday, ready to bake heart-shaped cookies and was met by a lovely Dutch woman & some wonderful kids !
A few kids only spoke Dutch, which was a bit difficult for me, but one very sweet girl translated a lot for me, which was nice. I had a fantastic time rolling out dough, helping the kids cut out cookies, making icing, helping kids spread it on the cookies (and their fingers !) and I also helped them make the gift boxes that they put the cookies in … I also talked to some of the kids, helped them wash their hands, asked them if they were cookie monsters and generally made sure they behaved !
I came back after lunch to help with the second batch of kids who were just as cute & amazing… One little girl gave me a green smartie which matched my top perfectly !
At the end of each session, the woman in charge asked some questions to the kids and for each answer they got right, they got a smartie… One of the questions was ‘How old is Louisa ?’, and the answers to that one ranged from 12 to forty-sixty, which I assume is 46 !!!
The whole day just put a huge smile on my face, I felt really happy afterit, not at all bitter about Valentine’s Day, not having kids or being single-if anything it helped me realise I’m going to be a great mum one day, which is reassuring !
I’m so glad I wasn’t in the UK for Hallmark Day as one of my friends cynically called it ! At least it’s not quite so commercial over here, although people do take it quite seriously… There were a few displays in shop windows, but you can still get Birthday and other non-Valentine’s Day cards, which is good !
Yesterday I heard from Cardiff regarding a PGCE place… Let’s just say it was not good news and I’ve now pinned all my hopes on Swansea ! I also need to come up with a backup plan/ Plan B in case I don’t get into Swansea either… I’m scared and worried !
I have applied to work as an au pair in Spain, so hopefully something will come of that…
I will surely go insane if I spend another year at home !
Last night I went to see Vera Drake at the cinema with my mum. For those of you who don’t know, it’s the poignant tale of a lower class woman in the 50’s who performs abortions for women when this procedure was still illegal. It was a very poignant and moving tale, it really captured the flavour of what life at that time would have been like for people who weren’t so well off. My mum was brought up in the 50’s and said the products they used (food etc) were very authentic looking, she remembers the packaging of certain items being just like that !
The film gives a very interesting social commentary on the times, as at one point in the film, an upper class girl gets raped by her boyfriend, she tells her friend who gets her to see a doctor who arranges an abortion for her, but for a lot of money, and he never gets caught, while Vera goes round helping young girls who have unwanted babies simply out of the goodness of her heart, and she gets caught !
If you liked Mona Lisa smile, you’ll probably find this film good, though it’s a lot darker.
Last weekend, I spent a small fortune on beads, clasps and thread so I could start making my own jewellery… So far I have made two necklaces, one in shades of green and one in shades of beige, ochre and brown. I also got some big beads which are spaced regularly round the necklaces : the green one has fish beads and gemstone-like squares on it and the beige one has quartzy-looking stones on it. They are both really nice, even if I do say so myself ! Unfortunately, the clasps have kept on falling off, so I’ve had to re-thread the green one and both have been reinforced with sellotape at the ends, to stop the clasp coming off again, and so far it seems to be working !
I want to get some more coloured beads to make more necklaces and I would also like to make my own earrings too ! I want to get beads in shades of red, coral and purple and make earring and necklace sets in all those colours… I love sitting in my room, music blaring, making pretty things… I like to think I have an eye for colour and that I have good taste in fashion ! I also think it’s fun to have a piece of jewellery that is completely personal and unique !
I guess that’s it from me for a few days now !

2005-02-08T11:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess it’s about time I updated you all on what’s been happening in my life…
After Christmas I went through a time of feeling majorly down , of feeling very alone & thoroughly miserable, partly due to the fact I had to acknowledge that some of my friendships from Uni have just disintegrated or are broken beyond repair.
I spent a heck of a lot of time wallowing in self pity, mourning my losses but then realising that it’s not my fault, that people change and that I deserve friends who contact me and put in as much effort to the relationship as I do.
It’s been really hard to come to terms with it all, but I’m now coping OK... Just about!
My so-called best friends seem to have forgotten I exist too, which hurts a lot, but I’m going to write or e-mail them and remind them I am still alive!
I also feel I should tell them that I don’t share the same beliefs as them anymore, which is so difficult: do I play the honesty card and risk losing another friend, or do I keep it all bottled up inside & pretend to be something I’m not to keep the peace? It’s a tough call that one! My theory is they’ll have to know some day so it may as well be sooner than later!
I’ve been exercising (swimming and using our home gym which lives in the garage) and I’ve found that a really good way of working off my anger and my worries...
I’ve also been very creative, which is something else that I find helps me an enormous amount when there are emotions or situations I don’t know how to deal with.
I’ve written a few poems but have also purchased an art pad and some oil & powder pastels, so have been having fun playing around with them... So far I’ve drawn a sunset over a sea, an apple, a red fairy, a bride, Violet from The Incredibles , a cartoon cat and a cartoon elephant...
For the last few days, Mum and I looked after our friend from down the road’s dog. She is called Blanche and is a little, white bichon frisé (a poodle & something else mix). She doesn’t yap at all and is very affectionate, which is lovely: she often sat on the sofa with me and let me stroke her lots! I took her on several walks down to the shops & we really bonded, which is great!
I have decided that when I start a proper job & have my own place I will get a dog like that and therefore have a friend for life!
I’ve also found that with a dog around I’m a lot less stressed, which has got to be good! Some study or other a few years ago proved that people who have a pet they stroke & play with regularly are a lot less stressed than their petless collegues!
On the PGCE front, I still haven’t heard anything, which is a pain in the posterior, especially as if I don’t get on one I have no plan B sorted yet!
I’m feeling good spiritually, which is great! Not beating myself up over my beliefs is very healthy... I made a New Year’s resolution to stop getting pissed off with the Evangelical and fundamentalist Christians I ‘know’ online, and to start accepting them & their beliefs, though I don’t agree with them, and I seem to be sticking to it 99% of the time... When I see something I don’t agree with on a website, I take a deep breath, go to a different topic or site and then go back to it later, and if it still annoys me then, I’ll comment on it, but I try to keep my tone respectful & avoid getting personal.
I still pray from time to time, and I also tell God about my new theology & beliefs, and I haven’t been zapped by a thunderbolt or smited (smoted?) yet, so that’s good!
My spiritual scrapbook gets fuller by the day, as I put quotes, inspiring poems, pictures and my own drawings and writings in it... It’s a really good outlet for my spirituality and creativity! I’m also learning to be independant, to be more of a free thinker and to realise I don’t need to have a community of people who believe what I do to grow in my faith-that’ll be because what I believe changes from day to day and also because finding people who believe the sort of things I do I haven’t met in real life yet! I’m learning to live without church, as I haven’t been in one since July 2004, which is strange, but it’s good strange!
I’ve been doing a fair amount of babysitting which has boosted my income & increased the amount of shopping sprees I’ve been on!
Most Wednesdays I babysit for 4 kids (a baby girl, who is 1 and a half, a 6 year old boy, an 8 year old girl and an 11 year old girl), the parents really like me, which is good!
A couple of weeks ago I babysat for them and the two middle kids were really playing up: they were noisy, ran around, woke up their baby sister and wouldn’t go to bed until I got really angry with them. I told their mum they’d been horrors, which must be the first time I haven’t said ‘Oh, they were wonderful’ when they weren’t! I felt really bad the next time I went there, as their mum had obviously had words with them & the little boy wouldn’t even let me read him a story, he chose to go straight to bed instead! I didn’t want them to end up hating me, that wasn’t the plan at all! I just wanted them to know I’m not a pushover & that they have to know who is boss!
However, I think I’ve been forgiven, as last week I babysat for them, and the two middle kids wanted me to read them a story and we played a fun game together after, which was great!
As I said, I think the parents are impressed with me, cause I’m good with the baby and they obviously think I do a good enough job to ask me to babysit about once a week!
I have also tried my hand at cooking-I made a cheesecake this weekend, but unfortunately it’s a bit odd! It contains chocolate though, so it’s not all bad!
My search for a proper job is proving challenging... I applied for a job in a clothes shop, but I don’t think I’ve got it, sob!
However, a collegue of my mum’s has got some students who want one-to-one lessons, so that may work out!
I’ve been told I need to update my blog more regularly, so I’ll try and write less but more often!
That’s all folks!

Spiritual ponderings...

2005-01-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

Hello,
It's me again! I have been reminded that I have a blog and that I should use it!
Apparently people are interested in my life!
At the moment, when I'm not sleeping, eating or being lazy, I have been doing a lot of thinking about faith and stuff... I've decided I'm definitely not a Christian anymore, as I don't think Jesus was a real person, I don't believe in hell and sin for sure, and I don't know whether or not there is an afterlife at all! However, I like the idea of karma and reincarnation a lot:if we do something bad, we have the next life to be redeemed, and as we go through each life, we learn more and more until we attain perfection! For example, I was bullied as a child in this life, so maybe in the next I'll be in the position to bully someone but won't, or I'll stand up to people who are bullying someone else! That way everyone gets what they deserve but yet they still have a second chance!
I've discovered an amazing website through the Talkback/24-7 prayer forum, which is a discussion board for people of all faiths and none... The website in question is called 'World of Prayer-The Prayer Wheel' and it has meditations, prayers, poems and verses from all the Holy Books in it, with different ones every day. Over the last few months, this site has been where I've got my spiritual food, as it makes me think and want to learn more about other faiths...
I have copied and pasted so many inspiring words from there, over 50 pages in fact!
Some of them I have copied into my spiritual scrapbook, which is a real mixture of quotes from Gandhi, Sufi Mystic sayings, poems by Ralph Waldo Emerson and Thomas Merton and pictures I have drawn... Today I copied a picture of a celtic knot, which is a symbol for the Trinity and I'm really pleased with it!
I have also written quite a number of poems recently. One in particular had been buzzing around my head for a few weeks, I got it onto paper a few days ago. It is how I feel about faith at the moment, about how I'm piecing bits and pieces of other beliefs together to make my own, personal faith... Here it is:
Patchwork Faith

Different colours, textures and patterns,
All together, harmonising and contrasting,
Part of a unique design,
Fitting together to make a big picture.
Squares of clashing colours
Have been sewn together:
Deep reds for passion, anger and shed spiritual blood,
Are adjacent to the blues of depression, coldness and lifelessness.
Pieces of all shades of green
Are scattered throughout,
For envy, naivety, bitterness and hope.
Small areas of white
Symbolise a blank canvas,
A fresh start
And peace (of mind).
They balance out the stormy black squares
Of despair, inner turmoil and negativity.
Yellows and oranges shine
Like light in the darkness,
Reminders that the fruit I thought forbidden
Is actually sweet and juicy
And that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
Every possible tone of purple
Has made its way into this creation,
From deepest plum to palest lilac,
With dashes of burgundy and mauve too.
Why are they there?
For no reason other than I like them there.
I’ve been inspired by so many
Styles and designers,
They all have their own qualities and distinctive, uncopiable flair
That I am totally in awe of...
They have all touched me in some way
As I’ve created this handiwork,
This personal piece,
That some may scorn and scoff at,
Saying it makes no sense,
That they don’t understand,
That it’s nothing but a blurry mish-mash of colour,
A blend of so many different things
That it can only be a mess
And not good enough.
The critics must look closer to see
That it’s been unpicked
Thousands of times before,
That it’s been ripped apart in frustration,
But has been lovingly repaired
Each time.
Sometimes the design changes,
Pieces removed or added,
But that is the essence of the beauty of a patchwork faith:Its ever changing pattern.

Christmas was fun, my cousins (Henry, aged 24 and George, 18) came over with my aunt and uncle. George left early though, to see his girlfriend and spent Christmas Day with Ruth, my cousin who didn't come (she's 22). We didn't do a lot while they were here, we just sat around playing Trivial Pursuits most nights and we did a Wasgij, which is a 1000 piece puzzle with a difference: the picture on the front of the box is not the picture of the puzzle, but whoever does it has to work out what the picture is from someone in the picture's viewpoint! We had done it before, but it still took us three days!!!
Christmas day was fun, even though I just got money, which unfortunately got spent two days later! I bought myself loads of earrings, jewellery and tops which were 8 Euros each, which is bargainous, and this was without sales! Long live H&M I say! I also got myself some makeup, a green fleecy zip up jumper and a mock leather burgundy bag! Oh, and I also got some dressy scarves!
I actually went out for the first time in years for New Year's eve!My friend from the TEFL course invited me to her friend's party, which was two hours away on the train, so I had to leave shortly after midnight to be collected by one of my parents from the station, as neither of them wanted to stay up late! Public transport was free all night though, and so my night out was totally free!
Yesterday was a special day for me, as I turned 23! To be honest it doesn't feel much different to being 22! These are weird years I'm living, I feel like I'm stuck in limbo... Being 24 will probably be much the same!
I wasn't expecting any presents, but got the latest Ruth Rendell thriller and a DVD (Matchstick Men) from my siblings, which was great! I also have lots of money to spend! The sales start on Thursday or Friday here, so I'm going to have to wait to spend it! I want to get loads of DVDs, some more clothes: a gorgeous hooded zip up jumper in burgundy, a couple more long-sleeved tops like the ones I already have, just in different colours, some more makeup and jewellery and maybe some boots too!
My resolutions for this year are to lose some weight, get a job, see more films and socialise more... And be more patient, less of a gossip and to keep in touch with my friends more!

I'm back!

2004-11-09T14:12:00.000-08:00

Hello, do you remember me?
My life has been fairly uneventful for the last few weeks...
I've sent off for some jobs, am waiting to hear about PGCE places, and have had a major faith crisis...
I have so many questions about Christianity, I can't cope with the idea of a loving God sending people to hell for getting His name wrong, I believe gays should have the same rights as straight couples and I don't believe in 6 day creationism either! I've gone off organised religion, and I haven't been to church since I returned home, in July!
I've fallen out with friends who have just written me sermons quoting the Bible and saying 'the Bible's true because God says so in the Bible', which just doesn't sit with me!
I've also been really hurt by some Christians... If they're supposed to be my spiritual family then I want out!
I'm more confident, more relaxed and generally a much nicer person since I gave up Christianity... I also find relying on myself really refreshing and I can give myself credit for when I do good things! It used to really piss me off that I had to give God credit for everything good in my life, but blame myself or some other human when things went wrong! If He's God, He should take full responsibility for both!
However, I haven't completely given up hope, as I still pray sometimes, and I may go on an Alpha course in January, and be awkward there... If I get proper answers there, I'll think about signing up again!
There are things I like about Christianity, mainly the 'instant friend' thing, as you have something in common with another Christian immediately, the fact that church becomes somewhere you meet people of all ages and of all walks of life, the great meals which are free ... Unfortunately the negatives (judgementalism, the guilt trips, the competition for who can be the holiest, the gossip and hell) outweigh the good!
However, I have been getting out a bit more... My friend off the TEFL course had organised a Hallowe'en party, but had to work at the last minute, so she invited me, another fellow teacher trainee and one of the students to come out for lunch in Paris... We went to a beautiful Moroccan restaurant, and we tried lots of different things... We shared three starters: duck, typical Moroccan soup with meat, chickpeas and veg and little cheesy puffs, then I had a main course of Oriental-style rice and loads of grilled meat, then we had mint tea and pastries to finish!
It was very good, but very expensive-I don't think I've ever spent that much on one meal!
Then we went to the cinema... I went with the student (a Pole called Magdalena, who is in her 30's, who has a fab sense of humour) to see 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind', and I really enjoyed it! It has a great quote from Nietzsche in it: "Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders". It was good to see Jim Carrey in a serious role for once, and I thought it portrayed the spiritual themes of forgiveness and fresh starts well... Kate Winslet is very cool too, I love her wild different coloured hair!
My parents were away from Friday to Monday, so I went all domestic... I cleaned the windows, mopped the kitchen floor, did laundry, put the dishwasher on and baked!
Think that's all I have to say...

Pottering...

2004-10-13T05:17:00.000-07:00

I really haven't been very proactive for the last couple of days... I made brownies on Monday which are absolutely delicious, even if I do say so myself, and other than that, I've just been on the computer, either playing games or surfing the net and reading my book, a Minette Walters murder mystery which is really good...
My PGCE forms arrived on Monday, which is pretty exciting-all I need to do now is apply and hope I get in! I also need to find two referees, which is going to prove interesting!
I also should be job hunting, but I can't be bothered!

My life...

2004-10-10T05:39:00.000-07:00

Another wet day today, ugh! I spent the morning in bed, asleep, as I stayed up late playing online games last night... I'm a big fan of the pick 'n' click style games, but man, some of the ones I tried were hard!
I ended up not going out last night, due to having the tail end of a cold, and ther weather being terribly miserable and chilly... The party also started at 9 and I wasn't sure where it was exactly, and didn't want to be wandering round Paris in the dark! I also didn't know what time the last train home was, and didn't want to be stranded in Paris late at night!
Also, buying drinks out is so expensive here, in fact orange juice is more expensive than beer, and I don't drink, so I always spend more per drink than most people! And I don't like fizzy drinks, so I can't have them!
So I stayed in, put on my pyjamas and watched The X factor (a Pop Idol type program) in the sitting room with my dad, where we had a fire burning so it was very cosy... There are 3 sections, 16-24, 24+ and groups, all being tutored etc by either Louis Walsh, Simon Cowell or Sharon Osbourne. Sharon is doing the 16-24s, and man, are some of them bratty! There's one very talented one, she's only 16 but looks and sounds a bit like Charlotte Church, but less prima-donna-ish... Louis is doing the groups, and there's a trio of black ladies (a mum, daughter and aunt) who are big women with big personalities and great voices, and there's a duo of best friends, a boy (who is blind) and a girl-it's very sweet to see them performing together... One of my favourites in the 24+ category is a middle-aged woman (who looks pretty youthful) who used to perform with her husband, but he'd never let her do solo stuff, she turned down record deals several times because of him, but now they've divorced and she's going to make it on her own! I'd really like to see her succeed, even if it is just so she can get her own back on him!
I've looked into doing an Alpha course and there's one starting in January at St Michael's, so if I'm not working on Thursdays, I'm going to do it! Hopefully I'll be able to ask all my questions and get some answers and if I'm convinced, I may return to mainstream Christianity!

Rain rain rain!

2004-10-09T04:25:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon!
Today is another lazy day for me... I'm hopefully going shopping today, which should be fun-I don't actually need anything, but looking is always fun! I'm also going to make a Birthday card for my friend Susan's Birthday: she was 30 on Tuesday but the party's tonight! I have bought her a box of Quality Street chocolates as a present which she should like.
Spiritually, I'm feeling kind of odd... There's this little voice inside of me that keeps nagging me to check out the Bible, but a part of me really doesn't want to, as I don't think it'll answer my questions and I'm scared it'll bring back all my bad memories of CU...
I'm also thinking of trying the Alpha course, if I can find one that runs in Paris that hasn't already started!
Well, I've just had a read through of the Psalms, and though I didn't find anything that spoke to me, I found a verse for a friend's mum, which goes as follows:
"Sustain me according to Your promise, and I shall live;
do not let my hopes be dashed." (Psalm 119 v 116)
God promised her He'd see her through the years following her divorce, so I want to remind her of that.
I'm also feeling a bit lonely and sad, regarding some of my friendships with people from Uni... A lot of the people in the year above me never kept in touch, which was probably not intentional, as most of them got married or are just too busy to write... And most of them are male, they find it hard to keep in touch with everybody! Unfortunately, it's not the case for some... One of my closest friends abrubtly broke off contact with me, when she broke off her engagement and found out she was pregnant... I tried my best to support her, but she showed no gratitude whatsoever and hasn't even tried to get in touch with me!
Another complicated friendship that's died is one I had with Giles... We met through the afore mentioned friend, when I was in second year and he was in first year, and we went to the same church... That Summer, I realised I was in love with him, as he had all the qualities I looked for in a bloke. Of course, being a Good Little Evangelical, I prayed about it and got a resounding "Yes, go for it!" from God, which turned out to be a rather large lie, as he got a girlfriend in October, and he found out I had feelings for him... Luckily I was on my year abroad at the time, so I didn't have to see it all! When I returned to Uni, I apologised to him and he forgave me, but unfortunately, he couldn't even try to be civil to me, so we went through a big stage of ignoring eachother-I even tried a different church to try and help us both... He also didn't help by sending out mixed messages-one day he'd be all pleased to see me and I'd think we were back to normal, but then he'd ignore me the next day! After graduation, he actually texted me to say well done, so I thought he'd finally come to his senses and found his manners, but seeing as he hasn't replied to any of my polite and friendly e-mails, I had to give up on him, as I was getting emotionally drained from putting so much effort into our 'friendship' and getting nothing in return!
I've also lost friends as I'm no longer a 'proper' Christian, according to them! That's their loss though, not mine! They ould only love me if I believed the right thing, and in my book, that's not real love!
L xxx

Hello! Welcome!

2004-10-08T11:37:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,
Yes, I've finally got me a blog!
I've finally got some time to myself, after doing a one month TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) qualification, so I have been sleeping a lot and on the internet far too much!
Today I went out for the first time in ages, to get the newspaper and a present for one of the trainees, who is throwing a party for her 30th Birthday tomorrow... I'm looking forward to that a lot!
I've been looking at places where I can do a Modern Languages PGCE... I want to do French and Spanish, but I don't want to have to do the English and Maths timed test that all the trainees in England have to do, so I'm limited to Wales! Cardiff I can do French at, and even possibly Primary, but Swansea offers both French and Spanish, and it sounds like a great place to be!
I'm also on the hunt for a teaching/anything that I can get job to earn some money before I leave home *again* for my PGCE... I'm quite excited at the thought of earning some money for myself! I've never had a proper job before!
At the moment I'm feeling quite confused about my faith... A part of me wants to go back to Christianity, as it was safe and I didn't need to think about it. Unfortunately, some of my major
questions and doubts have gone unanswered and cannot adequately be explained... I just can't reconcile the God of the OT with the NT God, as the first is a petty, vindictive, judgemental God and the second calls Himself love!!!
I've got to do some exploring on the web for sites that can explain all this to me, otherwise I'll be ordering a heck of a lot of stuff off Amazon!
I've been really lucky to find Talkback, as it's been a real source of help and wisdom to me...The people I've met on it have been compazssionate, helpful and have given me some fantastic advice too. Talkback has been a refuge and a church for me for quite a while now, and I'm so sad we have to move!
There's a lot of respect for each member there, which is lovely! Disagreements have mostly been quite amicable, people usually agree to disagree and thus peace is kept! There are no moderators, no banned topics and people of any or no faith are welcomed! Hurrah for diversity!
I love the Poems and Quotes board, as I'm quite creative, and I love seeing what gems people come up with!
Just Thinking and General are so great too, usually completely random and generally great fun, as well as being a lot less scary than Debate & Discuss!
Well, that's all from me tonight folks!
Louisa xxx